foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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