ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I didn't notice because vodka
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
