i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
