I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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