Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
