Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
