He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
So I just went to clothing optional bar
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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