tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
