she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
