She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
