Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish they made helmets for livers.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
