i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
