im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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