I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
