I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
