I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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