Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
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We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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