There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
