I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
