in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
