you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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