from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
