Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
