when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
