You can't special order awesome
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
