pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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