I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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