i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
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i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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