I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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