It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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