Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
