You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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