Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Alive.
So much puke
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
