im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
PANTIES FOUND
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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