Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Even my vagina gasped.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
