Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
