I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize