Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
