Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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