i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm really busy with my period
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