Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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