I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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