woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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