Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
