Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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