i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
