your parents love me but you hate me
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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