you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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