I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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