My liver just broke up with me...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
