I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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