I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
