You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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