I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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